I remember the first day of class, I was so nervous. They give all new people a tour the day of your first class, and of course I was the only one. Everyone else knew what they were doing. I had no idea what to expect, "I don't take group classes, what was I getting myself into? I am going to look like a fool, everyone knows I don't know what I am doing."...Uncertainty and self doubt, something I struggle with daily.
This class was like nothing I had ever done before, despite being an athlete all my life it was a mental challenge that was different, and at times harder than anything i'd experienced thus far. I had to accept that I was not going to be good right away, I had to choose to get better. I had to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. The more I attended I realized that the silver lining lay in the fact that yes, in fact I didn't have prior experience. There was nothing from my past to compare myself to, it truly became a challenge, and not a chore. This class, and group of inspiring women, who I saw almost everyday for 4 months jump started my desire to get back on the exercise train....and ultimately bringing me back to life.
After about a year of the stepmill and bikes I got the itch to start running again. Not sure I can pinpoint the moment it happened, but all of a sudden it made sense. Chelan was going to be my new challenge. Where better, to have my first race back but in a special place that was worthy of the time and effort needed to train.
The road to Chelan was challenging, and definitely not like the last time. Balancing running and life was the new goal, and for the most part that was NOT as hard as I made it out to be the last time. Being too busy to do something is a choice. Yes, we have obligations that sometimes we really can't get out of, but there is always time in the day to treat yourself, or an hour that you can dedicate to maintain the relationships around you. The balance; now that was a piece of cake. However, having taken a heavy hiatus, this time around the training was nowhere near as easy as before.
Being comfortable with being uncomfortable quickly became my new motto. Learning to really live in the present and refrain from comparing to my old self was a necessity. The runs did not come as naturally. The legs were always heavy. When looking back there were only a handful of long runs that could be categorized as feeling "good". I had to really self regulate and remind myself that although frustrating, I was almost starting from scratch. Live in the now, not the past. There was always a constant inner struggle between the new rational mentality that I took from the Bar Method and my ingrained competitive kick butt mentality.
Some would argue that the new motto was almost one of someone settling, and one year ago my competitive side might have agreed. I would have heard the inner voice that says "push harder, strive to be better, you can't be ok with subpar" or the ever popular, "that's just a rationalization". Now though (that I am so much older and wiser) I see it differently. The event was the same, but the motivation and the journey that brought me there were entirely different. One was a need to prove self worth and acceptance, the recent was the challenge and the joy based on my present circumstances. Stemming from a place that was for "me" and not "them". It was humbling to start over and not be as "good" as I once was, but it was also liberating to be uncomfortable.
And then you ask, "ok great you ran, what does that have to do with me?"...stay with me just a little longer and I'll tell you...
Often times, I think we do that in life. We are afraid to step out of our comfort zone and take the next step for fear of failure or not living up to the standard that "they" have for our lives. We miss out on meeting fascinating people in line for Starbucks, because god forbid we actually talk to a random stranger without having stalked them over the internet for days before the first encounter (so weird, right?). We let a work meeting (that is actually a meeting to talk about scheduling another meeting) take priority over the kid's school play or game....and the list goes on. So unless you are Captain America, and putting off your meeting with Tony Stark is going to result in the destruction of the southern hemisphere, I say go to the play, rescheduling will not result in Lokie having free reign to destroy the earth.
I accept that we live in a world of obligation, however its our choice as to how we exist in that overly scheduled world. We have the ability to be tied to it 24x7 at the touch of a button or swipe of a screen. Don't get me wrong I love a good Facebook post, or a witty tweet, but there comes a time when we need to cut the cord for a little while and need to re-learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I dare you to not use your cell phone for a day...talk about feeling naked and vulnerable...but its a step in the journey.
There is a purity in being uncomfortable, that can be quickly forgotten the more we strive to be stable and content in our lives. In short (of my not so short post), my recent race training and the milestones that brought me there, taught me how easy it is to lose oneself among the everyday shuffle if we are not present and engaged in the things that make the shuffle interesting.
In the words of Taylor Scott, if you can find the "Beauty in Now" I truly believe you can become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yes, its risky putting yourself out there rather than aimlessly scrolling through your Facebook news feed while standing in line. But hey, you might just meet the person who changes your life while you could have been contemplating your status update "hmmm...scone with my double tall latte, or blueberry muffin? #starbucksproblems".
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