Buckle Up and Get Unconfortable

Due to many many reasons I stopped, I walked away and I almost boycotted exercise all together.  There was no motivation to do much of anything beyond the daily grind and the things I "had" to accomplish.  If it weren't for a dear friend who introduced me to the Bar Method, I was really close to losing much more than my health.

I remember the first day of class, I was so nervous.  They give all new people a tour the day of your first class, and of course I was the only one.  Everyone else knew what they were doing.  I had no idea what to expect, "I don't take group classes, what was I getting myself into? I am going to look like a fool, everyone knows I don't know what I am doing."...Uncertainty and self doubt, something I struggle with daily.

This class was like nothing I had ever done before, despite being an athlete all my life it was a mental challenge that was different, and at times harder than anything i'd experienced thus far.  I had to accept that I was not going to be good right away, I had to choose to get better.  I had to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.  The more I attended I realized that the silver lining lay in the fact that yes, in fact I didn't have prior experience.  There was nothing from my past to compare myself to, it truly became a challenge, and not a chore. This class, and group of inspiring women, who I saw almost everyday for 4 months jump started my desire to get back on the exercise train....and ultimately bringing me back to life.

After about a year of the stepmill and bikes I got the itch to start running again.  Not sure I can pinpoint the moment it happened, but all of a sudden it made sense.  Chelan was going to be my new challenge.  Where better, to have my first race back but in a special place that was worthy of the time and effort needed to train.

The road to Chelan was challenging, and definitely not like the last time.  Balancing running and life was the new goal, and for the most part that was NOT as hard as I made it out to be the last time.  Being too busy to do something is a choice.  Yes, we have obligations that sometimes we really can't get out of, but there is always time in the day to treat yourself, or an hour that you can dedicate to maintain the relationships around you.  The balance; now that was a piece of cake. However, having taken a heavy hiatus, this time around the training was nowhere near as easy as before.

Being comfortable with being uncomfortable quickly became my new motto.  Learning to really live in the present and refrain from comparing to my old self was a necessity.  The runs did not come as naturally.  The legs were always heavy.  When looking back there were only a handful of long runs that could be categorized as feeling "good".  I had to really self regulate and remind myself that although frustrating, I was almost starting from scratch.  Live in the now, not the past.  There was always a constant inner struggle between the new rational mentality that I took from the Bar Method and my ingrained competitive kick butt mentality.

Some would argue that the new motto was almost one of someone settling, and one year ago my competitive side might have agreed.  I would have heard the inner voice that says "push harder, strive to be better, you can't be ok with subpar" or the ever popular, "that's just a rationalization". Now though (that I am so much older and wiser) I see it differently.  The event was the same, but the motivation and the journey that brought me there were entirely different.  One was a need to prove self worth and acceptance, the recent was the challenge and the joy based on my present circumstances.  Stemming from a place that was for "me" and not "them". It was humbling to start over and not be as "good" as I once was, but it was also liberating to be uncomfortable.

And then you ask, "ok great you ran, what does that have to do with me?"...stay with me just a little longer and I'll tell you...

Often times, I think we do that in life.  We are afraid to step out of our comfort zone and take the next step for fear of failure or not living up to the standard that "they" have for our lives.  We miss out on meeting fascinating people in line for Starbucks, because god forbid we actually talk to a random stranger without having stalked them over the internet for days before the first encounter (so weird, right?). We let a work meeting (that is actually a meeting to talk about scheduling another meeting) take priority over the kid's school play or game....and the list goes on.  So unless you are Captain America, and putting off your meeting with Tony Stark is going to result in the destruction of the southern hemisphere, I say go to the play, rescheduling will not result in Lokie having free reign to destroy the earth.

I accept that we live in a world of obligation, however its our choice as to how we exist in that overly scheduled world. We have the ability to be tied to it 24x7 at the touch of a button or swipe of a screen.  Don't get me wrong I love a good Facebook post, or a witty tweet, but there comes a time when we need to cut the cord for a little while and need to re-learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I dare you to not use your cell phone for a day...talk about feeling naked and vulnerable...but its a step in the journey.

There is a purity in being uncomfortable, that can be quickly forgotten the more we strive to be stable and content in our lives.  In short (of my not so short post), my recent race training and the milestones that brought me there, taught me how easy it is to lose oneself among the everyday shuffle if we are not present and engaged in the things that make the shuffle interesting.

In the words of Taylor Scott, if you can find the "Beauty in Now" I truly believe you can become comfortable with being uncomfortable.  Yes, its risky putting yourself out there rather than aimlessly scrolling through your Facebook news feed while standing in line. But hey, you might just meet the person who changes your life while you could have been contemplating your status update "hmmm...scone with my double tall latte, or blueberry muffin? #starbucksproblems".

The choice to be young...

We start as little kids with wide eyed fairy tale dreams...and then eventually grow up to deal with "the adult world" and "adult problems".
Growing up is inevitable, but doesn't mean you have to lose the dreams and your youthful beginnings. 

I just spent a week with my mom in Walt Disney World.  I think we reminded each other that you are never to old to be young:

• Its ok to be first in line for the bus to take you to the Magic Kingdom, even if you are pushing 55 and may have stepped over an 8 year old to obtain your spot in line.
• It is ok to make sure you see the park opening, and its even more ok to be so ecstatic that you tear up as Mickey and his friends welcome you to the Magic Kingdom.
• It is perfectly acceptable to be 27 and the only one in line above 4 feet tall, waiting your turn to hug Chip and Dale.  (it make way more sense when Chip proposes to you, that would just be weird to do to a 2 year old, she definitely would not understand)
• When Alice asks you "Do you know the white Rabbit?" and all you want to do is scream "Of course I do, I've only seen your movie a bazillion times in my 27 years of existence, where is the Mad Hatter? Do you guys have time for a tea party? Can we sing twinkle twinkle little bat?"...that too is perfectly fine, however to not seem so crazy you simply stick with a hug and "oh of course I do Alice :)"
• It is 100% fine to ride Splash Mountain as many times as possible, and sing zipp-a-dee-do-da with the animals the whole time.
• Riding the brand new Little Mermaid ride multiple times, taking pictures, and singing along among all the 5 year olds is definitely not weird...(considering I saw the movie 8 times when it was in theaters almost 20 years ago)
• But most importantly, watching little girls and boys experience the magic of Disney for the first time is enough to keep you young at heart.  Their innocence is what keeps the magic alive for us as we grow older.  Helping them to have a fantastic experience is completely acceptable and entirely necessary.

My Mom & Dad instilled in me a love for Disney that will make it so even as I physically age my heart and soul will always default to youth and innocence.  If I can do that for others in my everyday life even if it is just a spoonful of sugar's worth, then I have succeeded; in turn keeping "youthfulness" alive.

Burn without Flame

Smolder (v)- To burn without flame

Let me ask you this, what do a wholesome fisherman, a charming vagabond, a clever outlaw, an isolated monster, and a witty thief have in common?

You guessed it….the Smolder.  One look from these young men and your insides feel as though they are on fire (even if they are not quite human).  Now yes, they are fictional men and may or may not be created with paint and storyboards, but the way they make us feel is real...why?

They are a representation of our ideal man...in a g-rated form ;)

Ladies we are taught at an early age that Disney=Man of my dreams.  Who could blame us when you grow up with characters such as Prince Philip, Aladdin, Flynn Ryder and my own personal favorite, Prince Eric.  You know the drill, handsome Prince spies a beautiful girl, he pursues, there is catastrophe and then he gallantly rescues her...feel free to swoon HERE...and then they kiss and live happily ever after.  Wouldn't life be awesome if it were only that easy :).

Many would argue that Disney has ruined us for life, subconsciously expecting that one day our Prince will effortlessly proclaim is unrequited love.  Yet, when our expectations are not met, Disney has supposedly failed us.  Blasphemous I say!  The relationships from Disney and any other fairy tale for that matter that we are socialized with as children  teach us about hope, dreams, and being all in 100%.  All of the best parts of a relationship are displayed in the "love at first sight" mentality of our Disney Heroines and there loyal male counterparts.  We learn how to feel the fire and passion of "true" love. Of course, no relationship is perfect, but that's why in each story there is always a catastrophe; a metaphorical obstacle if you will.

With almost 100% certainty every relationship Disney or not, has had its obstacles ie: The Ursulas causing mayhem, Maleficents creating perilous road blocks, and general conniving that keeps the destined lovers from being together.

So back to the dreaming and hoping business…

At a fundamental level we as humans WANT (hope for) a companion.  We have qualities that are important in our future better half (pretty sure that directly equates to dreaming...just sayin).  We hope that the man of our dreams will stumble upon our life path and make us burn without flames.  One day we will get our Prince.  It may not be as easy or as romantic as saving someone from a shipwreck or having your first dance in the middle of a forest among owls and squirrels, but one day I promise he will come.

In a pessimistic world, where its easier to judge before accept, to follow rather than lead and to hate rather than love, remember the fundamentals.  Disney teaches us to focus on the positive and the beauty of dreams, while accepting that obstacles happen but can always be overcome.

In the words of Alice, "They say if you dream about something more than once, its sure to come true".

"You just need a little Faith and trust...and a little pixie dust"--Peter Pan

I dare you to look at these and not have your heart flutter....SWOON

The Ripple

A single event has the ability to change the course of your journey.  When you are in the moment you can't always see the changes, however experiencing these slight modifications to our journey IS life.

I am always reminded of the movie "Sliding Doors" when I think of how an event can alter a person's path, and the rippling aftermath that leads us to an end.

In the movie, Gwyneth Paltrow's life seems to be determined by whether or not she misses the subway on a particular day.   Some people call that event destiny or fate, but usually only in the same sentence as a positive event.  Something that leads to a better option, a better path.  What is it then, when the event ripples to something negative?  Misfortune? Unlucky? Or is it an accident? 

We see her life unfold in two very different ways, but her ending is the same.  In scenario one, she misses the subway and has to return home only to find her fiance in bed with another woman completely shattering her life.  Whereas in scenario 2 she slips through the subway doors just as they close and relieved, goes off to work while we as the audience know that she is being two-timed (since we already witnessed life path #1). So which option is better?  One event causes pain instantly, and allows for sooner healing.  The second postpones the pain and yet still the healing will and does occur.  In each of her "lives" she meets a MR. X yet at different times, and under very different circumstances.  With all the events that she experiences as the result of missing or making the subway, in both lives she and Mr. X find each other and end up together.

 Everything in this life happens for a reason, a purpose….call it fate call it destiny or even misfortune.  I don't believe that our lives are entirely predetermined or being puppeteered, however I strongly believe that they are guided.  I think we are challenged with obstacles and  granted the ability to choose our direction based on those roadblocks, that ultimately lead us toward an end we are meant to have.  If we did not have this ability to choose, why would we dream?

With all of this said, picture the ripples  that surround where a single pebble was dropped into calm water. 

Now pretend you are the pebble, under water.  You are submerged in that single event and don't have the ability to view the bigger picture that is created when the event triggers your new life path; the ripples.

 Its easy to fall and get stuck in a single event, but when we find the courage to recognize the beauty in the aftermath of a life changing event (good or bad), we can truly begin to understand the paths that have been laid before us, and eventually journey toward our end.

"A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step."

Oh to be little...

At the age of 26, if I were to wear a tu-tu to any party or event other than Halloween I can only imagine the comments and stares I would receive.  No matter how comfortable I was, or how great I look someone will have an issue with how I am dressed.  I could be wearing the latest trendy top or the most fabulous shoes, but the tu-tu would be the only point of fixation.  "Why would she wear that?", "I can't believe she would be seen in that in public, let alone a reception" the potential options are endless....

However, if a 4 year old wears the tu-tu to the same event everyone fawns over her.  "She is so cute, so adorable" they say.  The young girl is probably wearing shoes that don't match her top, and maybe even some tights or leggings that have horizontal stripes when they probably should be vertical.  Why is this outfit now acceptable just because of her age?

There is a purity in youth that is so easily forgotten, a freedom of choice and expression that knows no bounds.  If you have a chance to look back at your toddler pictures when we were given the ability to CHOOSE our own outfits please do so, you will find a piece of yourself that should not be forgotten.  It's a snapshot in time where we explored the world with all our senses.  It didn't matter if we matched or we had the latest and greatest we were always fabulous and ready for the next grand adventure.  We played outside in the dirt, we fell and scraped our knees...minor setbacks, but never got in the way of continuing the game or playing to the point of exhaustion.  There was never another option. We were mezmerized by bubble wrap, and had the imagination to play with a cardboard box fort for hours upon end.

As we grow older our priorities obviously change, there is no way of escaping it.  We go to school, we get jobs and eventually start our own families. Wouldn't it be fantastic to get older and still live in a world where we were accepted and acted the way we were when we were little.  Not saying as an adult we should run around the street in a diaper with rubber boots, a tu-tu and a hooded sweatshirt as we are liable to get arrested.  However, remember that its ok to make a fool of yourself, its courageous to follow your own heart and breakaway from the opinions of the majority.  You can still be 26 and like to pop bubble wrap ;)  As we age we still stumble in the dirt and scrape our knees. The scrapes tend to leave larger scars than they did when we were 4, but we still can go on and will continue playing the game.

We admire them for their ability to express, we see them as cute and humorous, but still they are easily dismissed by adults.  Children teach us a great deal about life, so when they speak, listen, they are usually quite profound and will remind you about a piece of yourself that may be supressed.

Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.

Thank you Mr. and Mrs Sawyer

To Mr and Mrs Sawyer,

I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to be apart of the most important day of your lives.  You both have touched the lives of many people, and I am confident that your inspiration will only continue to grow.  I have to admit that I didn't understand, I was supportive but none the less felt like I was doing so on blind faith.  Seeing the two of you together gave me no room for doubt, there is something special there that people dream about and seldom get.  Witnessing you together over the course of 4 days reminded me of something I was told at a pivotal point in my life.

To love another person, is to see the face of God.

(It just so happens that is also a phenomenal lyric from the musical Les Mis ;) but that's beside the point). 

Remember, that even in the darkest of times, love is the light that guides us home.

It takes courage to give your heart to another and you both have done so with great grace and conviction.  Your strength has left a new imprint on my soul, and for that I am a little confused but ultimately extremely greatful.

Malia, we may not be able to be neighbors across the fence but i will always be there in spirit.  I forever hold you both in my heart.

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but its the middle that counts the most.  I know your middle will be one for the ages.

In love and faith,
Megz

"All in"

So I have thought about starting a blog multiple times, and have never gotten farther than creating the account.  What was really stopping me?  There were always the typical excuses of not enough time, would it be any good?, or would anyone even be interested in reading it?  When you really sit down and look at the justifications I kept making, they were entirely bogus and ridiculous.

There is always time in a day, who cares if anyone reads it, and well, if I think its important to write about it will be good to me.

Look at that crazy little boy.  He is living the moment and he has made the decision to jump, a choice motivated by joy and excitement.  He is all in, there is absolutely no turning back.  Whether or not he truly weighed the consequences of jumping into the leaves doesn't matter anymore; he is committed.

The jump is a risk worth taking.